Infidelity in Marriage-Is Emotional Affair the Same as Infidelity?

Many of my clients who come for Wake Forest couples counseling ask if an emotional affair is the same as infidelity. Well, it kind of is. The real question is, what is it that each of you does when your heart feels uncomfortable and lonely? That changes everything. Some emotional affairs may seem harmless but still hurt really bad. Some involve really intense private conversations and deep connection with someone outside of the marriage.

To answer whether an emotional affair is the same as infidelity, think of what your social contract on affairs was before marriage? What are the rules once you enter the relationship? What are the expectations? How do you and your partner answer one another's emotional bids for connection?

Emotional Bids for Connection

During his decades of relationship research, Dr. John Gottman noticed that happy couples who stayed together exchange small signs of connection and affection about twenty times more than couples in distress.

We send these signals that Dr. Gottman calls emotional bids to let our partners know that we want attention, affirmation, and positive connection. Bids are central to every relationship, as we make emotional bids to create, keep up, and re-establish the connection in our relationships.

Every time you turn to your partner's emotional bids, you are depositing in your Emotional Bank Account. Each positive interaction with your partner adds value to your account, which reminds you of positive feelings the two of you share and your commitment to one another. Therefore, when you are in distress, your emotional savings in the Emotional Bank Account radically reduce the probability that these stresses will culminate in illness or disaster.

There are three ways of reacting to an emotional bid your partner sends:

·       Turning toward your partner's emotional bid: you are aware and responsive to the small interactions that the two of you usually share.

·       Turning against your partner's emotional bid for connection: may come as disrespectful responses or intentional insults. Dr. Gottman considers this type of reaction to an emotional bid the greatest relationship killer.

·       Turning away from your partner's emotional bid: you miss or ignore your partner's bid for emotional connection. Turning away can have a devastating effect on your relationship because continually missing your partner's bids for connection may reduce them over time or cause your partner to make bids for a connection somewhere else. 

The Thin Line between a Friendship and an Emotional Affair

Today's modern technology, social media, and lifestyle make it easy to meet people and keep in touch. We spend a lot of time with other people and make friends at work, school, gym, or while engaging in hobbies. However, it is a thin line between a close friendship and an emotional affair because emotional affairs typically develop through intimate friendships.

In emotional affairs, people develop emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship but without physical engagement.

Even though emotional affairs do not include sex, they can be as detrimental to a relationship as physical cheating because you invest so much energy in this other person outside your relationship.

A need to feel connected to someone else slowly pulls you away from your marriage. At some point, you start fantasizing about another person because sexual attraction and desire arise sooner or later. Emotional affairs are often an entryway to full-scale sexual infidelity; about half of emotional affairs do eventually turn into sexual affairs.

You may also become biased towards this other person, seeing him or her in a positive light. You start feeling as though he or she thoroughly sees you and understands you better than anyone, including your spouse. It feels as you have found your soulmate. And this is where the danger of an emotional affair lies. This feeling that someone profoundly understands and accepts you is for many people more powerful than a sexual connection.

How to Recognize an Emotional Affair

Many people who have experienced emotional affairs say they happened spontaneously and unexpectedly. However, there are usually some red flags that you may have consciously or unconsciously overlooked.

Some of the first signs that you may be engaging in an emotional affair is increasing secrecy. Purposely avoid telling your spouse about talks, phone calls, texts, and emails, or deleting messages from your phone and are critical signs of your emerging emotional affair.

Also, a desire to spend time together and create opportunities for frequent contacts are sure signs that you may be getting involved in an emotional affair.

Finally, if you start being more critical of your spouse and comparing him or her to a new person to justify your choice and defend your decisions, it is time to think of your feelings and needs.

Summary

Although they don't include sexual intimacy, emotional affairs can be as devastating to a marriage as sexual cheating.

If you have more questions about emotional affairs, I will be delighted to hear your thoughts and answer your questions, so don't hesitate to give me a call at (703)347 3200 and schedule an appointment online or in my Wake Forest office here.