You Don’t Have to Follow All Your Thoughts and Feelings

In my marriage counseling Raleigh NC sessions, I often ask my clients a very important question. Most of them are very surprised to hear it and to hear the answer to that question especially. 

The question I ask is, “Do you know that you do not have to follow most of your thoughts and feelings?”

Namely, we have so many thoughts and feelings that we experience every hour, every day. Studies show that we spend about 47 percent of our waking hours mind wandering or thinking about something other than we are doing. 

Most of these random thoughts that pop up out of nowhere are negative thoughts that make us unhappy. Unintentional, depressing thoughts often flood our conscious minds, making every situation much worse than it really is. 

However, we can learn and train ourselves to observe these thoughts and feelings come and go instead of following them. 

The Relationship between Our Thoughts and Feelings

Our thoughts and feelings are closely linked as they profoundly influence one another.

For example, if you have negative thoughts, they will most likely trigger a low mood. Consequently, your gloomy mood will cause you to pay closer attention to your negative thoughts, triggering anxiety about having such thoughts.

This is a vicious cycle that often leads to anxiety, depression, or relationship issues. 

In marriage counseling Raleigh NC, I work with couples with all sorts of different stressors in their lives. Relationship problems may occur because you are:

·       Raising children and juggling between many work-life-school tasks

·       Trying to repair after infidelity

·       Working on your communication styles 

·       Figuring out how to co-parent after divorce

·       Trying to co-parent while together successfully

·       Trying to balance life and work, etc.

There are just too many feelings and thoughts we all regularly have that cause us to feel low, disappointed, anxious, and overwhelmed. But what if we make a choice to step in our power and decide that we, for example, don’t need to feel guilty even if we have self-critical thoughts. 

For example, you would typically think, “Oh, no, I did this or that to upset my partner” or “I didn’t do anything to solve this problem we have,” and similar self-beating thoughts. After that, you would typically feel overwhelmed by guilt and resentment. 

The Skill of Observing Your Thoughts and Feelings

So, when you have thoughts that cause you to feel disappointed in yourself, guilty, ashamed, angry, or sad, try to simply observe them and say, “Okay, I am just watching my thoughts like I would watch a cloud going above my head. I’m looking at it compassionately. I am paying attention to it but not really letting it get in the driver’s seat of my car. I’m still driving the car of my thoughts, and this feeling can come and sit with me. But I am the one who is steering the wheel.” 

We don’t get mad at clouds above our heads, stormy days, and rain but simply accept these things in nature as they are. So, we should apply the same accepting attitude to our thoughts and emotions. 

We need to let go of our need to control everything, put everything in a box, label it, and then feel about it. 

Mindfulness Meditation

You can achieve such witnessing and acceptance through meditation. Mindfulness meditation involves a conscious presence or state of deep self-awareness. You simply observe your thoughts and emotions without labeling or judging them. 

In addition, meditation can help you feel relaxed, more resilient, and focused on the present. Neuroscience research has shown that regular mindfulness exercise can alter the brain’s neural pathways. This can cause you to become more aware of your thoughts and consequently more resilient to stress.  

Journaling

Journaling is a habit of writing down your thoughts as they appear in your mind. Writing down your thoughts without a censure activates the right, intuitive, and creative hemisphere of your brain. 

It is believed that getting in touch with your intuitive self can help observe your thoughts for what they are – just thoughts, without allowing them to trigger overwhelming feelings. 

Studies show that journaling or expressive writing can alleviate stress, anxiety, and depression. In addition, it can help you identify negative thinking patterns and follow your intuition to find creative solutions to your problems.

Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC

Marriage counseling can be your safe place to learn how not to follow all your thoughts and feelings. So many people find psychotherapy a perfect outlet to feel at peace and fulfilled on the inside. And when we feel calm, and at peace with ourselves, everything on the outside starts falling into place too. 

Summary

Marriage counseling Raleigh NC can help you understand and accept that you don’t have to be ridden by anxiety once you know that you don’t have to follow all your thoughts and feelings. 

If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to book your free 15 min phone consultation online by clicking here .