Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC: Why Does Modern Marriage Feel So Hard?

This question comes up a lot in my marriage counseling Raleigh NC. During our sessions, several couples ask me why marriage is so tough. Isn't it meant to be more natural, simple, and organic?

So, I'd want to ask everyone to take a big breath and think about this issue through the lens of human history because a modern American relationship has far more challenges than any other pair in the history of marriages and couple-hood.

While holding on to traditional gender roles helped decrease uncertainty and confusion in our marriage, it also gave people a system for how marriages work and who is responsible for what role.

Unpacking Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC: The Business of Marriage

In contrast, today, in modern relationships, we constantly negotiate, trying to figure out who is responsible for what, e.g., who is picking up kids from school, who is making dinner, who is accountable for making lunches, attending soccer games, cleaning the house, and so on. The list seems endless.

The problem is that we spend so much time on the "business of marriage," which leaves little opportunity for romance and genuine connection between two individuals. We have this marriage model now because we have these two individuals in charge of a tiny "company," and it is extremely difficult for passion and intimacy to be present in our relationships.

Furthermore, in most couples, both spouses work part-time or full-time, and they are under a lot of stress, sometimes striving to find a healthy work-life balance. This chronic shortage of time and continuing discussion destroys people's connections.

Unpacking Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC:

A Nuclear Family

We now have two-person communities with children in the majority of modern households. We don't have a sense of a more extensive community in such nuclear families today. So, we expect our partners to be everything to us. For example, we expect our spouses to be our best friends, our lovers, parents, and full economic providers.

This is simply too much responsibility for one individual to bear. Moreover, many of us find it difficult to detach or even change our expectations since we have inherited specific behavioral patterns from our parents' marriages and their parents' marriages before them.

Unpacking Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC:

A Lifetime Relationship

The whole design of couple-hood was never meant to last as long as it does today. With the increase in life expectancy in recent decades, people spend so many years living together. As a result, modern generations worldwide can expect to live much longer than their ancestors just a few generations ago.

In the past, people would marry while still in adolescence, have kids, and typically die in their 30s and 40s. And now, we have couples who stay together for 40, 50, or 60 years, going through so many transitions together.

Therefore, we need to learn how to evolve and grow together and how to appreciate the differences. Instead of seeing them as separating us, we need to learn to see differences as bringing us together, offering uniqueness and exclusivity to our relationships.

No one really wants to be married to their clones - it would be boring, to say the least.

So many factors are making modern marriage challenging to work, and it feels like it is a death by a thousand cuts.

I want to validate you and your feelings if you are struggling in your marriage. I would like you to understand that marriage is hard work. It takes a lot of energy, time, effort, and maintenance. This is precisely why I have so many couples working so hard during their weekly marriage counseling sessions Raleigh NC day in and day out.

Summary

Many people nowadays believe that their marriages are so tough that they wonder whether they are doing something wrong or, even worse, whether something is wrong with them. Isn't it meant to seem natural and effortless in a marriage? No. Relationships aren't meant to be simple.

Every relationship experiences ups and downs. However, difficulties in your marriage may be advantageous since they may enhance both your personality and your connection. Understanding that your marriage is not supposed to be flawless or easy can help you learn how to manage and overcome challenges and grow both individually and as a couple.

Vulnerability is one of the essential aspects of conscious relationships. Marriage counseling Raleigh NC can be a safe environment in which you will learn to trust each other and become open about your deepest thoughts and feelings without judging each other.

I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to book your free 15 min phone consultation online by clicking here