Marriage Counseling Raleigh NC: Why Control is an Illusion

As a marriage counselor in Raleigh, I work with couples and individual clients from these states and most countries abroad to improve their communication styles and strengthen their connection with each other.

I enjoy helping individuals build deeper connections with themselves and their loved ones. Many of my clients struggle with anxiety issues because they are worried about things they cannot control.

Anxiety and a Sense of Control in Your Marriage

A sense of control over our lives often helps us feel better about ourselves, increasing our understanding of autonomy and security. Conversely, when we think that we don’t have control over events and circumstances in our lives, we may become anxious and stressed out.

It is common to experience anxiety from time to time. Anxiety is a natural psychological and physiological reaction to stress that causes your body to enter “fight or flight” mode and protect you against perceived danger. However, excessive anxiety can impact your thoughts, emotions, behavior, and relationships.

Anxiety about things we cannot control comes up a lot in my marriage counseling sessions with both younger and older couples.

Younger married couples, who are planning to have children or expecting a baby, often feel anxious because they try to structure and control their lives to make everything go as smoothly as possible.

At the same time, older couples are anxious about their professions and relationships since many of them want to change their partner’s viewpoints about certain things or change the course of their careers, etc.

Most of them feel paralyzed by over-planning, over-thinking, and over-doing. They complain of feeling overwhelmed by daily micromanaging everyone and everything in their environment and overthinking everything in their lives.

Everyone experiences overthinking or rumination now and then. For example, we may excessively think about upcoming stressful events such as weddings, medical interventions, or sending kids to college.

However, there is a distinction between thinking about issues that can be handled and ruminating on things over which you have no control in your life. Such ruminations are frequently associated with anxiety.

How to Let Go of Your Need to Have Complete Control In Your Marriage

Suppose you are one of those people (and I am one of those people). In that case, I want to challenge you to think about life as something unpredictable, incontrollable, and really impermanent.

From this perspective, control becomes just an illusion when you look at life from this perspective.

We are hardwired as humans to want to have control over our lives. We need to know what’s around the corner so we can plan, predict, and control things. However, practically nothing in life works this way. 

We may be able to influence 20% of what happens in our lives. However, the remaining 80% is made up of factors over which we have no control.

Instead, that 80 percent is about connecting to the present moment, leaning into the discomfort of the unknown, and truly going with the flow.

This is really the only way to avoid ending up in an emotional slaughterhouse where you are pulled and pushed by external circumstances and your anxiety.

Summary

Understanding that this life is not supposed to be controllable can help you be happier and more fulfilled.

We don’t want to be stagnant – as long as we live, we are going to evolve and change, and it is going to be unknown. Life will always be different, and that is the right way.

So, I would like you to ask yourself a question that I usually ask my clients: What can you do to embrace this uncertainty? Why is it so hard for you to let go of control?

So, let’s deconstruct it:

·       Why is it so difficult for you to stop controlling the uncontrollable? Why is uncertainty so hard for you?

·       What can you do to embrace uncertainty in your everyday life so that you can live a more peaceful and joyful life?

I hope this was helpful. If you have any questions or want to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation with me, click here or check out the FAQs to learn more.

This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.

Stop wasting years of your precious life trying to feel happy. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation with me today by clicking here. During the call, you will discover how having a place to heal your relationship with a guide can take you from the hurt to a healthier relationship than the one you grew up with.