When Couples Counseling is Not Working – What NOT To Do

Couples who struggle with relationship issues in Wake Forest, NC often reach for couples counseling to fix their problems. These issues may include anything from communication problems and financial strains to problems with interfering in-laws, infidelity, or a feeling that you are stuck in a roommate marriage. Couples therapy can definitely help find a solution and overcome these challenges.

However, it does sometimes happen that couples counseling fails to address these problems. Your couples counseling may not work despite the time and money you invested in it.

It may happen that the couples therapy goals are not clear that you don't feel comfortable with your therapist, or that your therapist is not a good match for your needs. There are a lot of great therapists out there who do amazing work with individual clients, but don’ t have enough specialized training to treat the relationship. Maybe one of you is not willing to go to therapy, or don't know how to apply the things you learn in session to your real life. Whatever the reasons, you feel like your therapy is just a time-waster.

You may be wondering what to do.

When something doesn't go as planned, we usually think about what to do to turn things in our favor.

But, let's switch the mindset for a moment.

Let me tell you what NOT to do when couples counseling is not working.

What Not to Do when Couples Counseling is Not Working: Keep Coming

Not all the therapies and all the therapists are a good fit for you, your partner, and your relationship. One of the biggest mistakes people make when their couples counseling doesn't work as planned is to keep coming.

You may feel that you have committed to therapy and your therapist and that giving up would make you a failure. Or you may think that you're giving up on your partner and your relationship. Or you want to be sure that you've tried everything and exhausted all resources before you admit that it is over.

However, if not done right, marriage therapy can make things in your relationship worse. If you or your partner don't feel comfortable or don't think the treatment is helpful in the first few sessions, you should probably consider walking out of it.

You may want to consider individual therapy for relationship problems. For example, if you're coming from a dysfunctional family, struggle with depression, or have commitment issues, you (and your relationship) may benefit from individual counseling to work on those personal problems.

Or you may try out a couples intensive - a form of individualized couples counseling over a short period (usually 1-3 days) that allows your therapist to get to the roots of your issues fast. Couples intensives are tailored to your relationship's unique needs and will enable you to focus on each other.

What Not to Do when Couples Counseling is Not Working: Keep Quiet

Therapy is a safe place to say uncomfortable things, so speak up! You may feel as your therapist doesn't hear you or doesn't understand your needs. It would be best if you had an open conversation with your couples counselor about your therapy goals and expectations at the beginning of the counseling process.

You may consistently attend therapy, but keep silent during sessions. Sometimes, silence could be a form of resistance or avoidance. At other times, silence is needed for thought to come together and emotions to settle in. Or you may feel hurt or angry with your therapist and keep quiet to express this emotion.  Also, therapy often makes people feel exposed or uncomfortable. This is normal. However, for your couples therapy to work, you need to let it out.

What Not to Do when Couples Counseling is Not Working: Keep Being Nice and Polite

You didn't come to couples therapy to be courteous and polite. You are here to delve into your relationship issues and to say your piece. Being nice and polite is okay, of course, but being honest about how you feel and speaking your mind is the only way to work through your issues and come to solutions.

Summary

You are motivated and committed to change; however, your relationship counseling doesn't work for some reason. Many people keep coming even if they feel that they are not making any progress, which is wrong. To keep coming is one of the biggest mistakes you can make if you think that you don't benefit from couples therapy. Also, keeping quiet and being nice and polite won't bring you closer to a solution.

 I am here to listen if you have any questions about what NOT to do if your therapy is not working. I will be delighted to hear your thoughts and answer your questions, so don't hesitate to give me a call at (703)347 3200 and schedule an appointment online or in my Wake Forest office here.