Relationship Myth # 3: “Marriage Should Feel Easy and Natural”
Relationship Myth # 3: “Marriage Should Feel Easy and Natural”
There is one thing that I commonly see during marriage counseling in Wake Forest, NC: couples who love each other but don’t know how to reconnect most often tell me that they want their marriage to be “easy” and “healthy”. But don’t know how to achieve that.
Why do people think it’s okay and appropriate to invest time, money, and energy into their careers, education, and hobbies, but not in their relationships? We expect our romantic relationships to be self-sustaining and to self-maintain, not realizing that healthy relationships are hard and require a great amount of effort, care, and energy (to begin with). We have learned so far that everything worth having in life requires effort, dedication, and lots and lots of energy. Why would our relationships be different?
Why are Relationships so Hard?
Imagine not investing all those years, money, and energy into your education or your career? In raising your kids? Or cooking an amazingly tasty meal without standing in a kitchen for an hour and a half or so? Having a fabulous hairdo without sitting patiently at your hairdresser’s? Impossible. It’s really simple – if you don’t invest time, hard work, and energy into something, you won’t be able to enjoy it.
A healthy, conscious relationship requires you to devote time to a meaningful, open communication with your partner each day. This is the only way to feel emotionally connected with your spouse.
Of course, you can’t have an honest communication with your partner without slipping into a conflict. But don’t try to avoid conflicts. No matter what you may think, conflicts are not necessarily a bad thing. They can help you gain a better understanding of each other’s thinking patterns and feelings. Furthermore, conflicts can help you understand each other’s needs and expectations and learn how to fulfill them.
If you learn how to have these moving conversions with your partner habitually, there are so many beautiful experiences awaiting your marriage, including feeling heard, seen, and supported.
Sometimes, the challenges in a relationship are just too overwhelming. So, you might think, “This is not worth it. Maybe there is someone better for me out there. Maybe I should try with someone else.” We often get tricked into “the grass is greener on the other side” crap that doesn’t allow us to try harder with what we already have. While you may indeed be able to find a more fitting partner out there, keep in mind that no one is perfect. Which means that the new relationship will be equally hard and unfulfilling if you don’t work on it.
How to Nurture Your Relationship?
Building a gratifying and passionate relationship is not easy. However, if you are willing to commit to the relationship, there are certain things you can do to enhance or retrieve the connection with your partner.
· Be Honest about Your Feelings and Celebrate Your Love
In a healthy passionate relationship, all emotions are welcome. You need to learn how to share your deepest feelings, needs, and fantasies without fear of being judged or rejected. A complete honesty about who you truly are and letting your partner do the same can help you feel accepted, understood, and connected.
Appreciate each other and the ways you enrich each other’s lives every day. Learn to love yourself first. Learn how to love your partner in the way they need it – don’t be afraid to learn how to be vulnerable, dependable, and emotionally attached to your partner.
· Be Devoted to Growth: Both Individual and As a Couple
One of the most important human needs is a self-actualization need – we all need to grow and develop emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually – and being a conscious couple, you value an individual growth and strive for personal expansion while committing to complete union with each other.
· Engage in Conversation
Hesitancy to bring to light your deepest thoughts and feelings or failing to listen to your partner’s feeling may create misconceptions and false beliefs that lead to unrealistic expectations, poor decision-making, and inevitably, disappointment in a relationship.
Practice acknowledging your spouse’s feelings rather than being judgmental because openly discussing the feelings and thoughts in an atmosphere of complete honesty is a big step towards a happy, fulfilling relationship.
· Accept Your Share of Responsibility
If you want to rekindle connection in the relationship, you need to take full responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions. It would be awesome if Instead of engaging in endless unproductive conflicts and blame games, the both of you can mindfully reflect on the situation and accept your cut of responsibility for what has happened. This kind of attitude will help you overcome the conflicts quickly and more efficiently. Also, being honest and realistic about your responsibility will help create a deeper connection with your partner.
Summary
Most of us tend to take our relationships for granted, somehow believing that they will flourish without any tending and care. Having a happy, rewarding relationship, however, requires a lot of work, effort, and energy.
I hope this information helps you to better understand why relationships are not as easy we usually think. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to give me a call at (703)347 3200 and schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest office.