What do you do if your partner won’t go to to marriage counseling?

Like any other good thing in life, a relationship needs effort and commitment to succeed and thrive. Many people consider marriage the most important investment in their lives, so it can be very disappointing and painful when you start feeling that your marriage is in trouble.

However, each relationship is a process that changes over time.

Also, different marriage challenges may emerge along the way and create a lot of relationship anxiety. For example, you and your partner may have had unrealistic expectations in the beginning, or you may struggle with commitment issues or start having child related arguments. Your mental health challenges may affect the relationship. Or you suffer from anxiety and depression due to a relationship crisis. Marriage challenges usually cause poor communication, ongoing fights, withdrawal, and emotional disconnection.

Sometimes, these challenges exceed the couple’s coping mechanisms and the best solution may be marriage counseling. However, marriage counseling sometimes may not be possible (as a couples therapist, I see a lot of clients who don’t want to or choose not to take that route right away).

So, what to do and how to find a relationship therapist when your refuses to work on marriage?

1. Your marriage is in Trouble: Reflect on What is the Primary Problem

Consider the reasons for seeking marriage counseling in Raleigh NC. Identify the primary problem that needs to be addressed and decide if it’s relational.

Relational therapy may be beneficial if you are experiencing distress from your relationship. For example, you may struggle with anxiety and depression because your partner had an affair. This is a relational problem, and addressing it in a marriage counseling would be ideal. However, if that is not possible (your partner refuses marriage counseling), you can search for a therapist who specializes both in couples therapy and relational counseling with individuals.

If you are struggling with depression due to a non-relational issue, e.g. you suffer from postpartum depression (depression associated with pregnancy and childbirth), have a history of depression from childhood, or you are experiencing a generalized anxiety disorder, you may want to look for treatment for anxiety and depression and a therapist who specializes in that exact problem.

2. Lean on Your Friends and People You Trust for Support

Keeping your concerns to yourself can be overwhelming. Relationship issues can cause you to feel isolated and alone. Bottling up your worries and anxieties can eventually lead to mental illness as unexpressed and suppressed emotions can spiral out of control and seriously damage your health.

We all need someone we can count on to lend a listening ear, empathy, and support. Many people hold back from asking their family and friends for support, whether it is because of mental illness-related stigma, a lack of self-esteem, or fear of humiliation.

The decision to break the silence may be challenging but having someone who can understand you has many benefits.

First of all, opening up about your distress to someone you can trust brings a real sense of relief and peace of mind. Also, talking about your problems can lead to a closer bond in a relationship with your friend or a family member, which can help you feel less lonely and isolated.

Feelings of empathy and compassion from someone you trust can take the emotional burden of your shoulders, encourage self-acceptance, and boost your self-esteem.

3. When Your Marriage is in Trouble: Use a Directory, Like Psychology Today

Sometimes I get calls from clients whose partners are not willing to attend marriage counseling for one reason or another, and they want to know whether they should still come to counseling.

The answer is always yes.

It only takes one person to change the relationship, and you can always start by changing yourself, whether it’s your dysfunctional thoughts, unproductive behavior patterns, etc.

Technology has found its use in the field of mental health lately; telemental health uses the Internet, apps, and artificial intelligence to educate, screen, monitor, provide intervention and support to people who are struggling with relationship issues, anxiety, depression, and other emotional and relational challenges.

The awareness that help is only a few clicks or a phone call away can help you feel less isolated and alone in your pain.

4. Marriage Counseling without Spouse: Do Not Force Your Partner

If you make your partner physically go and he or she is ambivalent about their decision even though they are there, marriage counseling will still probably not work. In best-case, your partner won’t open up and access their vulnerabilities. In the worst case, they will say things you want to hear and the relationship will go back to stickiness shortly after the treatment.

Summary

If you feel that unhealthy patterns have settled in your relationship, or there is an issue that needs to be addressed (relationship crisis), marriage counseling may be a good place to start working on your problems. However, your partner may not, for some reason or another, want to attend couples counseling. You should still come, though, as therapy can help increase awareness of causes to your problems and help you understand what you can do to reconnect with your partner.

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to call at (703) 347 3200 for your free of charge 15-min consultation or to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest office or online here.