One of the things that comes up a lot in my marriage counseling sessions in Raleigh NC is the concept often used in emotionally focused couples therapy (EFT), which can be summarized as follows: “What’s shareable is bearable.”

What Does the Phrase “What’s Shareable is Bearable” Mean?

The “what’s shareable is bearable” concept suggests that sharing your thoughts, feelings, or concerns with your partner makes it easier to cope with them. Sharing your problems or concerns with each other can provide support and emotional relief.

It means you can communicate or open up about your profound experiences and handle difficult and uncomfortable topics without fear of judgment or rejection.

What does this mean for you if you are struggling in your relationship? Suppose you work hard to create space between you and your partner to discuss difficult topics. In that case, the issues themselves may not necessarily improve. Still, your perception and experience of those problems will likely improve.

Your experience of being together with your partner against these problems, versus you against your partner, will completely shift.

Skimming and touching the “pain pocket” and then going on with your life doesn’t do anything for your struggling partner. When we disregard our partner’s pain without truly addressing it, we fail to provide any meaningful support for them.

How Does “What’s Shareable is Bearable” Translate to Your Life?

Suppose you and your partner are fighting about something that happened in the past; let’s say your partner lied to you about something. You’re most likely to be hurt. You’re not sure whether you can trust them again. The EFT concept “What’s Shareable is Bearable” encourages you to talk with your partner about this and support each other during challenging times.

You can say something along the lines of, “I don’t feel safe anymore. I love you, and I want to make this work. However, I’m feeling a bit uncertain about what all of this means for us. I’m not sure if I can trust you to be honest with me this time.”

And then, your partner might say, “All right, I apologize for lying to you. I promise I won’t do it again. Okay, let’s move on.”

Typically, an exchange like this one will lead nowhere. You will likely continue to bring this up and argue over it, and your cycle will worsen.

To resolve the situation, it is essential for both of you to take a step back and for the partner who caused harm (and lied) to sincerely ask the other partner who was hurt, “What can I do to make things right for you?” Would you prefer if I slowed down and stayed by your side? Would you like to receive an apology? I feel your pain as it resonates with my own. I am here for you. I am here with you.”

Find the words that are relevant to you and use them to ask your partner the appropriate questions. This would be much more helpful than justifying, explaining, or being intellectual and rationalizing.

Research shows that when you openly discuss and exchange this information in a non-judgmental, kind, and loving way, pain points literally shrink and things get better.

Summary

When you are going through a hard time or facing a problem in your relationship, keeping it to yourself and withdrawing or lashing out at your partner can make it feel heavier, worsening your relationship cycle.

However, sharing your pain with your partner can help you feel united against the problem, lightening the burden and strengthening your connection.

I hope this is helpful and that you apply it not only to your relationship with your spouse but also to your relationships with your children, friends, and other significant people in your life. If you have any questions or would like to schedule your free 15-minute phone consultation with me, click here or check out the FAQs to learn more.

This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.

Stop wasting years of your precious life to feel happy. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation with me today by clicking here. During the call you will discover how having a place to heal your relationship with a guide can take you from the hurt to a healthier relationship than the one you grew up with.

Hi, I'm Irina Baechle, LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic. Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage or you are single and navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you. Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception!

Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, roommate marriages, healthy second marriages, and healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.