Making a good relationship great: Treat your spouse like your affair partner

Making a good relationship great: Treat your spouse like your affair partner

 This week I wanted to discuss a topic that comes up in my office in Wake Forest a lot: how do we keep the “honeymoon” phase going after years of marriage? Most couples I work with tend to struggle with “feeling disconnected” in one way or another and want to get back on track.

So let’s chat. We all know that most relationships tend to lose their “jazz” or “glitz” after a few years of marriage. Perhaps it is because partners have become too comfortable with each other or because priorities have changed over time. Regardless of the reasons, the cooling down of most relationships tends to harm the foundation of marriage. You or your spouse may be feeling neglected or emotionally disconnected and your significant other doesn’t even know you feel this way. Marriage doesn’t have to mean the honeymoon period is over and consistency doesn’t have to be boring. Your relationship will probably never be as it was when you first dated. This is because of several reasons.


When you’re comfortable in a relationship you let your guards down and let the person know all your faults. Your significant other experiences your reaction to ups and downs. Contrary to what most people would say, this isn’t a bad thing. Trust is a powerful emotion that should be revered. If your spouse trusts you, this means they’ll do things they never used to do while you were dating, they’ll wear pajama pants. It is inconsiderate to expect your spouse to still be wary around you when you’re married. You must learn to accept them for who they are just as they are learning to accept you. If there are any traits you cannot deal with then you let them know you’re not comfortable with that particular action. Communication is key.


It’s impossible to expect your spouse to take you out every weekend when you’re married. You have children to take care of, you have jobs to get to. Just because they don’t spend as much time with you as they used to doesn’t mean they care less. You’re still a priority and if you feel uncomfortable, all you have to speak up and voice your thoughts. Marriage is an equal partnership, compromises will always be made.

These two reasons are the major reasons for the lack of glitz in marriages. If your marriage is lacking sparks and you’re considering going for marriage counseling or marriage therapy in Wake Forest NC, try out these tips while you wait for your scheduled appointment. A great way to bring back the spark is by treating your spouse like your affair partner. There’s just something exciting about dating that gets your blood rushing. That feeling is what we want to recreate. Before you continue reading it is worth mentioning that you may not be able to do all the things listed but that’s okay, you can start from whichever activity is most comfortable for you. Without further ado, here are some ways to spice up your relationship and regain the thrill of dating.


Texting your partner funny or sexy messages throughout the day is a perfect way to spice up your marriage. If you’re feeling extra confident you could also send some sexy pictures. These texts don’t always have to be risque in nature, they could be cute texts like “thinking of you” or “I miss you” or “I’m so lucky to have you”  or “you looked great today”. Little texts to make your partner feel loved, wanted and cherished. Technology has made things so much easier so we can share things faster. If you have a break you could have a quick face time during lunch, share an article you read, a YouTube video you watched or send each other funny selfies. These actions may seem small but it’s a great way to bond while being yourselves.


 Back when you were dating you remember you and your spouse talked quite a lot about everything and nothing. It’s time to bring those days back. Ask questions like “how are you?” and actually listen to the answer you’re given. Most people are so absorbed in their own problems, which is normal, that they forget other people but in a marriage you’re functioning as a unit. If one system is down, the others follow. Pay attention to your spouse when you’re talking and always let them speak. This is especially useful if you’re married to an introvert or a “good listener.” Make sure your spouse is interested in the subject matter, discuss how your days went and enjoy the conversation.

Go on fun dates 

Not many people could afford elite restaurant dates while in high school or college but they still had great times. Try going on fun dates, going to see a movie, a paintball fight, getting food from a drive through then going stargazing, picnics at the park or the beach. These are simple and fun ways to spend quality time together. Tap into your teenage tendencies, stay up all night watching your favorite shows. It could also mean making dinner for your partner or ordering from their favorite restaurant. As earlier stated, it’s the little things that matter.

Physical Contact

Steal kisses from your spouse at least three times a day, give them hugs from behind and kiss their shoulder or back if you’re not tall enough. Make sure you hug and kiss your spouse before you leave for work. Physical contact is an effective way to show affection and love.

 Surprise your spouse 

Surprise your spouse with chocolate, a box of pizza or food from their favorite restaurant. Little things that show that they were on your mind. Truthfully, your spouse just wants to know you care about them so don’t be scared to show it.

These five ways are just some of the ways you can spice up your relationship. To make it even more personal, try recreating a date you had with your spouse while you were dating or perhaps a significant event that really set the ball rolling. Be sure to let us know how it goes in the comment section.

I hope this information helps you understand more about how to recreate the exciting feeling that comes with a love affair between your partner and yourself in Raleigh. If you have any questions, do not hesitate to call at (703)-347- 3200 for your free of charge 15 min consultation and or to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest office or online.

If you are looking for help with your relationships or marriage, you can read more about how I can help here. One of the biggest regrets that my couples share with me is that they wish they could have started couples counseling several years sooner. You do NOT have to be one of those couples. You deserve to feel loved and confident about your relationship TODAY. So pick up the phone and give a call,  so I can teach you how to live in the day to day in a way that leaves you feeling connected and energized about being together and feeling like a REAL couple. 


Irina Baechle,LCSW is a founder, owner, and a licensed therapist at IrinaBaechleCounselingLLC. She specializes in helping distant couples and anxious singles build truly connected and meaningful relationships. She currently offers online and in-home counseling services to residents of Virginia and North Carolina (and most countries abroad). Click here to schedule your free 15 min consultation. Follow her on Facebook, Pinterest, and Youtube for useful tips and resources.

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