In marriage counseling Raleigh NC, I have worked with many couples who struggle with communication, trust issues, or lost connection and intimacy.

Many of us struggle with keeping our relationships healthy and fulfilling at all times. No matter how hard you try, you struggle with conflicts, disagreements, and disappointments. Many of my clients say they often feel there is a limit to how much they can do.

But we have the ability to learn, grow, and change. We can learn from our mistakes and improve.

With this in mind, I would like to call your attention to a golden question I ask a lot of my clients.

The question is: ““What is your understanding of what is that you do that makes your partner feel unloved, uncomfortable, unsupported, and unsafe?””

I believe this golden question is a key to breaking the repetitive pattern or cycle we all get stuck in our marriages sometimes. Answering this question honestly allows us to take ownership of responsibility and do our part to make our marriages better.

What is That I Do that Hurts My Partner?

We understand very well what it is that our partners do that hurts us. You have a good understanding of the things your partner says or does (or doesn’t do) that trigger the worst in you to come out.

However, a very few of us are conscious of what it is that we do that activates the same feelings in our partner.

The Golden Question Exercise

In couples counseling sessions, you can learn how to reflect on key behaviors that you engage in, making your partner feel unsafe, unloved, and unsupported.

Being mindful of your critical action tendencies that hurt your partner can help you identify and stop these patterns and regain closeness and trust in your marriage.

Also, marriage counseling Raleigh NC can be an ideal environment to share these insights with your partner. During your marriage counseling sessions, you can open up and be vulnerable with your partner, sharing your feelings, needs, and fears. Then, you can ask your partner to do a similar exercise with you.

In your marriage counseling sessions, you can practice this golden question exercise together.

This exercise can help build self-awareness and reflect on what you do in your relationship that activates your partner’s injuries or raw spots.

In EFT (Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy), these injuries are known as raw spots – emotional injuries that occur when a person’s attachment needs have been continuously ignored or neglected. If you repeat hurting patterns, your partner may feel unsafe, unloved, and unsupported.

So, the golden question exercise can help you learn how to attune to your partner. When you are aware of this intellectually, the next time you are in a conflict situation or in a misunderstanding situation, you can tap into that wisdom and knowledge.

This knowledge allows you to pivot on how you respond. So, instead of shutting down, keep pushing, or projecting your own fears into your partner, you can show empathy and understanding for your partner. You can be vulnerable and say to yourself something like, ““Oh, this is a place where my partner feels really bad about this thing I said or did.””

Listen to your inner wisdom and intuition. You will be more able to recognize your partner’s needs and respond to them positively. Also, answering this golden question raises awareness of your feelings and their impact on your partner.

Summary

Answering this critical question, ““What is that I do that makes my partner feel unloved, uncomfortable, unsupported, and unsafe?”” allows you to give your partner what they need to feel safe, whether it is a hug, understanding, space, an opportunity to vent, or time to cool off. It also allows you to listen to your partner without trying to fix things for them.

You can only achieve this if you feel organized in your own way of being. It is only then that you can tap into your compassion, wisdom, and kindness without getting caught in reactivity.

Opening up about your negative patterns in the safe environment of marriage counseling can bring you a step closer to a happy relationship.

Couples counseling can help you understand how your words and reactions impact your partner, change the unproductive patterns, and connect deeply.

If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest or virtual office, do not hesitate to your free of charge 15-min phone consultation by clicking here.