In this post, I would like to continue discussing a successful EFT exercise that I use during the initial sessions of marriage counseling Raleigh NC.

The name of the exercise is “Identifying your cycle.” But what exactly is a relationship cycle?

See other posts about:

Marriage Counseling Wake Forest NC: Sneak Peek into a Powerful Relationship Exercise Part 1

Relationship Myth # 1: Fighting a lot means we are in trouble

Relationship Myth # 2: We fell out of love and probably (?) need a divorce

Relationship Myth # 3: Relationship should feel easy and natural!

Relationship Myth # 4: Couples therapy provides amazing results in a short period of time

What to Expect During Your First (Individual) Therapy Session

Exercises 1 & 2 Recap

A relationship cycle illustrates the patterns in our relationship dynamics that we get stuck into. In our marriages or partnerships, most of us get trapped in this relationship cycle or dance, as we call it, in emotionally focused therapy. 

The first part of the exercise aims to identify the couple’s main dance moves. So, during the initial stage of your marriage counseling with me, we will most likely try to figure out your typical responses (dance moves) when things are difficult in your relationships. Understanding the moves of your relationship dance is necessary to get to a better place in your relationship. 

You’ll see that there are essentially two ways to respond in difficult situations in your relationship: pursuing and withdrawing. While pursuers in a relationship feel uncomfortable with disconnection and protest against it by attacking and getting “big,” the withdrawers typically feel uncomfortable with confrontation and conflict. Hence, they tend to deflate and withdraw.

The first step is to learn what you do when you are uncomfortable or triggered and how your spouse behaves when triggered.

During the second part of the exercise, called “Perceptions,” we examine negative thoughts or stories we create about the situation when we feel triggered. Sometimes these stories are incredibly disastrous and polarized, typically including statements like “never,” “always, “shouldn’t, “mustn’t,” and so on. 

Then, we attempt to name those stories and truly grasp the most disastrous perception we have, so we can slow down and confront those ideas until we realize that most of them are false.

So, what is true, then? The truth is that most of our perceptions result from past trauma, either from our childhood or previous adult relationships.

Part 3: Metaphors and Body Sensations

The third part of our exercise in marriage counseling sessions is significant because it brings us to our bodies. It helps us drop in and understand what is happening inside our bodies when we feel angry, defensive, or judged. 

We sometimes find connecting with our bodily experiences challenging because we are too focused on our cognitive selves. Our minds are pretty functional, assisting us in problem-solving, figuring things out, making money, and organizing our life. But right there in your body is where everything else exists. 

In EFT, we think that emotion moves from the bottom to the heart. Over thirty years of research have shown that in emotional experience, we first get this sensation (heat, heaviness, or whatever else you sense within your body). Then we build a story about it in our thoughts, trying to understand what is happening in our bodies. We also analyze the images that come to our minds, representing feelings we experience during those moments of disconnection and conflict. 

Metaphors and Body Sensations

Here are some examples of metaphors and body sensations:

“When things are not good between me and my partner, this is what is happening:

- I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff.

- I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. 

- I feel like a deer caught in headlights. 

- I feel like I’ve studied all night but still failed the test. 

- I feel like there’s a wall between us made of steel. 

- I’m screaming into the wind.

- I’m drowning in the sea of grief. 

- I’m knocking at the door, but there’s no answer. 

- I am backed into a corner with no good options.”

And then, what do you notice in your body?

Some of the answers might be: “I notice:

- A knot in my stomach.

- Weight on my chest.

- Tension in my shoulders.

- Feeling numb or freezing to death.

- Burning up inside.

- I have this blinding headache.”

These are examples from this exercise that we gathered from couples in EFT explaining what is happening for them in that difficult moment. 

Summary

The third exercise should encourage you to check in with yourself and see if any of these metaphors and body sensations resonate with you. Then journal about it to better understand what is happening within you during conflict and stress. This will help you connect with your experience and see where you hold that tension in your body and what metaphors come to mind when thinking about your problem. 

If you want to start improving your emotional and sexual life and rekindling the connection in your relationship, click here to schedule your free 15-minute consultation.

This is not your typical weekly kind of therapy. I am here to help couples and individuals in relationships do what is proven to work to help them heal their relationships. Through marriage counseling Raleigh NC, marriage retreat in North Carolina, online therapy North Carolina, and individual counseling, there is something for every couple who wants to heal their relationship.

Stop wasting years of your precious life trying to feel happy. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation with me today by clicking here. During the call, you will discover how having a place to heal your relationship with a guide can take you from the hurt to a healthier relationship than the one you grew up with.

Hi, I'm Irina Baechle, LCSW, in Raleigh, NC. I believe in the power of healthy relationships and write on that topic. Whether you and a partner are co-creating a healthy marriage or you are single and navigating how to have healthy relationships, my content is for you.

Let's make healthy, trustworthy marriages the norm instead of the exception!

Topics I write about include marriage, infidelity, sex, roommate marriages, healthy second marriages, and healing after toxic or unfaithful marriages.