Deciding Whether to Commit to Relationship: How to Move from Doubt to Certainty?

Deciding Whether to Commit to Relationship: How to Move from Doubt to Certainty?

Working with couples engaged in marriage counseling in Wake Forest, NC, I realized that modern attitudes toward commitment have changed. A lot of millennials struggle with commitment issues today; they either postpone marriage and serious relationships for as long as possible or they commit and marry and eventually divorce.

We need to recognize that we live in a commitment phobia world where no one wants to commit. I usually tell my couples, “Be honest with yourself and your partner – start talking, make hard decisions and realize that there are no guarantees. Be clear about what you want and what you need from this relationship”. Being honest to yourself and your partner is the only right way to move from doubt to certainty and decide whether to commit to a relationship.

Where Do Our Commitment Issues Come From?

A fear of commitment is not gender-exclusive anymore. While in the past men were seen as those struggling with commitment issues, today women are becoming more like their male counterparts.


Financial and sexual freedom, careers, dating opportunities, and high self-consciousness cause women to ponder whether to commit to a relationship with one partner or to try more options while looking for the right one.

Some of the possible reasons that make us doubt whether we should commit to relationships include a fear of failure, unreasonable expectations, low self-esteem, bad previous experiences, and growing up in an unhealthy family.

A Fear of Failure

It is normal to have doubts about whether your relationship will work. There is no secret formula for your love story success. However, people are sensitive to failures and disappointments and this fear may make them fearful of responsibility and commitment.

Unrealistic Expectations

We usually enter a relationship to satisfy our needs and expectations, expecting everything in our relationship to gravitate round our Ego. And here you are, in a long-term relationship, suddenly realizing that your partner is not capable of satisfying your needs and expectations. Which leaves you wondering, “Do I want to commit to this relationship for good?”

Low Self-esteem

If you struggle with low self-esteem, you may have a hard time making decisions and being responsible for them. When you are expected to act responsibly, which is undoubtedly the case with the long-term relationships, you might feel stressed, anxious, and unable to commit.


If you went through harsh previous experiences such as a painful breakup or divorce, you may become extra cautious and fearful of commitment. This is kind of normal, because who wants to go through bad experiences over and over again? However, you may want to reconsider whether avoiding commitment is the best way to keep you from stress in life.

Coming from an Unhealthy Family

Growing up in the family with dysfunctional patterns may be a strong reason for you to have doubts about committing to your adult relationship. Marriage counseling in Raleigh, NC may help you come to terms with your past and decide whether to commit to your adult partner.

How to Move from Doubt to Certainty?

If we are completely honest to ourselves, we’ll have to admit that we long for consistency that comes from true commitment. However, to move from doubt to certainty, you need to be willing to shift the way you view yourself and your future.

•    Nurture Honesty

To commit to your relationship, you need to learn to love consciously. So, be ready to let your feelings out. What does this mean? In a deeply conscious relationship, honesty is vital and all emotions are welcome. Partners should feel confident to share their deepest feelings and thoughts, without fear of being judged or rejected.

•    Growth Should Come First

A need to grow emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually is a vital human need, and to be a conscious couple, you need to strive to personal growth while committing to bond with each other.

•    Responsibility Matters

To build a thriving relationship, both you and your spouse should take full responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, and actions. So, instead of engaging in never-ending blame-games, you should mindfully reflect on your relationship challenges and accept your share of responsibility for what’s not working.

Ask yourself a few simple questions, such as have you resolved your baggage from the past, can you adjust your expectations, are you ready to constantly reinvest love and energy and to openly share your feelings, thoughts, and needs with your partner. These reflections can help you decide whether you are ready to commit to a long-term relationship.

Lasting relationships call for devotion and commitment. However, if you feel that you are not sure whether you’re ready to commit to your partner, couples counseling may be a great help in exploring your emotions, needs, and expectations.

If you have any questions, do not hesitate to call at (703)-347-3200 for your free of charge 15-min consultation and/or to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest office or online.


Irina Baechle,LCSW is a founder, owner, and a licensed therapist at IrinaBaechleCounselingLLC. She specializes in helping distant couples and anxious singles build truly connected and meaningful relationships. She currently offers online and in-home counseling services to residents of Virginia and North Carolina (and most countries abroad). Click here to schedule your free 15 min consultation. Follow her on Facebook, Pinterest, and Youtube for useful tips and resources.

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