Roommate Marriage: How to Get Out of It and Regain Lost Passion

Roommate Marriage: How to Get Out of It and Regain Lost Passion

Working with couples through marriage counseling in Raleigh, NC, I have met an increasing number of people challenged by intimacy and closeness issues in their marriages.

Couples who sign up for marriage counseling in Raleigh, NC usually say they feel like roommates in their relationships. They have gotten through a lot together and are willing to work on rekindling their intimacy but simply don’t know where to start.

Marriage counseling in Raleigh, NC is a great starting point for rejuvenating your closeness. We will work together on your relationship flaws at the same time reinforcing the strengths of your marriage.  However, there are some helpful practices you can build into your lifestyle and mindset. And soon enough, you may notice positive changes in your relationship.

1.    Turn Towards Each Other

A good relationship is built on love, support, honesty, commitment, and understanding. Moreover, a successful relationship is built on closeness and intimacy. Simply put, if you want to rekindle your passion, you need to work on your emotional connection. Dr. Gottman believes that couples who want to reconnect need to turn towards each other emotionally – to talk about their needs and feelings, show empathy and turn towards each other’s emotional bids as much as possible.

Based on his extensive relationship research, Dr. Gotman introduced Emotional Bids.  A bid is any signal you and your partner send each other for attention, affirmation or positive connection. Partners make emotional bids to create and keep up connection and these are vital to any relationship. Therefore, turning towards each other’s bids as often as possible is the best way to have a successful relationship.

2.    Resume Sexual Chemistry

Before you know, you feel trapped in a marriage with someone who seems more like a roommate than like a lover. You can’t even remember when was the last time you were holding hands in public, for example. According to experts, hugging, touching, kissing, and holding hands, as well as sexual orgasm, release oxytocin (a bonding hormone), causing a soothing sensation. In addition, physical affection lowers the level of the stress hormone cortisol, therefore, reducing tension.

Try to show affection more often and focus on affectionate touch. Cuddling is a powerful way to affirm your love and rekindle passion.

3.    Make Sex Priority, not the Routine

Get in the mood for intimacy as soon as kids go to bed. Or before TV program/late work kills your passion. Plan your intimacy time and banish school, chores, and work talks from your bedroom –no stress and distraction! At the same time, practice being more emotionally vulnerable and share your most private wishes and fantasies with your partner. Break up the intimacy routine – keep up sexual curiosity and experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other. For example, try new and original places. Or dress up for your partner when going to bed.

Finally, if you struggle to rebuild emotional intimacy on your own, consider marriage counseling in Raleigh, NC.

4.    Don’t Try to Avoid Disagreement

A healthy relationship doesn’t mean you live without conflicts. Don’t try to avoid an argument, but work to create win-win solutions. Although this is not easy, knowing how to sort out conflicts instead of avoiding them can help rebuild honesty, trust, and empathy.

You know that no one is perfect and that no two people are the same. So, accept the differences and don’t let your disagreements become hurdles in your relationship. Accept each other without judging and if you feel like changing something about your partner, ask yourself what you can change in yourself instead.

5.      Have Realistic Expectations

We all strive to perfection. But guess what? No relationship is ever perfect. Try to maintain realistic expectations from both your partner and your relationship. Unrealistic expectations will hardly match the reality, therefore, causing you to feel unhappy and frustrated. For example, avoid requesting your partner to take care of your needs or make you feel loveable.

Try not to get disappointed if things don’t always go smoothly. Every relationship has challenges, so try to communicate your needs and desires as openly as you can. Similarly, be open and understanding to your partner’s desires and feelings. If you need help to sort out your communication difficulties, consider marriage counseling in Raleigh, NC.


A lot of couples feel trapped in a roommate marriage not knowing how to rekindle intimacy and closeness. Marriage counseling in Raleigh, NC, along with a mindset change in both partners can be a great way to get out of you roommate marriage and renew lost passion.

I hope this information helps you learn more about roommate marriage and how to get out of it and regain neglected passion in your relationship.If you have any questions, do not hesitate to call at (703)-347-3200 for your free of charge 15-min consultation and/or to schedule an appointment in my Wake Forest office or online.


Irina Baechle,LCSW is a founder, owner, and a licensed therapist at IrinaBaechleCounselingLLC. She specializes in helping distant couples and anxious singles build truly connected and meaningful relationships. She currently offers online and in-home counseling services to residents of Virginia and North Carolina (and most countries abroad). Click here to schedule your free 15 min consultation. Follow her on Facebook, Pinterest, and Youtube for useful tips and resources.

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